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Thursday
Mar222018

Getting better

Its official. I've decided its my time to get better. No "I'll do it next week", no "I'll just do it later", this is the last curtain call for my depression.

Its not a special day for little old me, the weather outside is drab and slightly nippy. I'm inside, alone with no one but my cat curled in my lap and my computer. It's a Thursday. Nothing usually ever happens on a Thursday, but not this one. Nothing can stop this Thursday from being the beginning of my new and improved self.

Recently, things have been pretty rough. I've not been in the right mind set, and I've been slacking on the things I really love to do. My ukulele has been collecting dust at the edge of my bed, my notebook of poems and songs almost a forgotten relic and my bed sheets unwashed and covered in the crumbs of midnight snacks, also known as my frantic attempt to eat away my feelings. I know, gross.

But today, I say no more. 

This morning I woke with a heavy weight pulling on my shoulders, almost holding me in bed, school not even an option to my tired and unhappy self. My mum had to scurry off to work, and I got away with the lie of "I'm feeling sick"

So I stayed in bed most of the day, lying amoungst my anxiety, contempt with the thought of never leaving the comfort of my room. It was safe there. 

I don't know how, or why, but I was hit with a realisation. After a solid 3-4 hours of watching Youtube videos that I barely even payed attention to, it struck me. What was I doing? I knew feeling how I was at that time was not right, I knew that the actions I was indulging in wasn't healthy, or making me any better and I knew, weather I'd like to admit it or not, that something had to change. 

So I guess that's why I started this blog up again. To document that change, for people to relate, for people to learn, and most importantly, for people to understand that its not easy. The road to recovery is long and difficult and seems neverending, but it's worth it.

Or at least I hope so

Signing off,

                Jules {Jilliarna}

Tuesday
Oct272015

Run Away 

Dose anyone ever get the need to escape from something, wether it be an argument, a broken home or even just a small space? Its a natural reaction right? When feeling afraid, many people's first reaction is to run away. I incountered this for the first time on a large scale today. After a dispute with one of my parents resulted in me having to leave the car to walk in the rain, I found my self not in a rush to get home, knowing another argument or houres of silence would wait for me at the door. I wasn't cold, as I was wearing a warm jumper and although slightly wet, I was enjoying the time to my self. Knowing this could not last long, I returned home to silence and started writing. This whole time, I have been ghasping to be outside in the rain again by myself. I feel extreamly surprized by this as the bad weather is normaly a thing that makes me agitated and uneasy and I use to hate being alone, yet it provided me with a sence of peace, a safe haven for thoughts maybe. Now all I can do is crave for the outside world again...

Qotd: What do you run from

Aotd: Anything, ranging from being alone to crouds!